gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I love the National Park Service.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?