gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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A man of commitment.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
trivia
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT