gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Wise advice
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.