Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.