“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
who did the taste test?
New skill unlocked
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine