“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Stick it to the man
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…