Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
🤣😂🤣
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude