Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor