Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

And that about sums it up.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

Can’t, holding a grudge

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.