Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you hear?

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

I’m having an out of money experience.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

real

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.