GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned


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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”


“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.


posted a picture of myself on my instagram story and my hairdresser responded and said “let’s do your hair soon” i’m so embarrassed


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.


I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.


[Chumbawumba concert]
🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶
[whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd]
“Aw hell yeah!”


I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.


My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”


[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know


GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no