GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Carpe DM
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car