Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.