Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward