Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!