Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Just how popey was the pope today?

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.