Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

(yawn)

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Meow

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.