Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.