government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.


A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream


Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.


I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.


Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.


*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see


My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.


Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.


EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.