Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

courtroom exchange of the day

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids