Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
that wasn’t the question
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
For anyone who needs this today
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing