@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

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@LostFelicia

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

@arb

crisis: happens

celebrities: time to 🎶 SIIIIIIIIING

@Angrytrashman

I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

@gingerfaced

Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars.

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

@bingowings14

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

@fro_vo

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

@Tmoney68

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”