Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker