Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]