Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
customer: your lightest roast please
barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.