Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus