Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
my name if I was in the mob
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”