Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
me linking you to my twitter
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Customize Your Wedding.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.