Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?