Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
