Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Bootstraps

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.