Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
as is their right
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
