Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
