Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Good morning

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*