Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am, perchance

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

A dad and his duck

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

what the hell girl, sure

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.