Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.