Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

linkedin the good parts

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs