Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
R.I.P.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Why is everyone getting married at me
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣