Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws