Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
You Might Also Like
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
What number SPF blocks people?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
inventing words: clothing
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.