GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
wut hotdog?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.