GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”