GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
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a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Hoping to spice up my evening
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?