Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name