GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.