Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

That’s a good costume, I hope.

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford