Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

6. me as a lawyer

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard