Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first