Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

My beach vacation Google searches

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend