*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
me: *getting down on one knee*
my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening
me: *tightening my velcro strap* what
Just woke up from a dream where I didn’t know how to use shampoo, I was just standing in the shower staring at it all confused.
Just like when I think about 2020.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.