GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!