GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!


me: *getting down on one knee*

my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening

me: *tightening my velcro strap* what


Just woke up from a dream where I didn’t know how to use shampoo, I was just standing in the shower staring at it all confused.

Just like when I think about 2020.


If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby


What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business


No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.


Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.