GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
