GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I saw this ending much differently.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
