GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
As the Lord intended
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals