Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

I feel seen.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.