GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50