gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
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Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.