gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.