gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
#oldknees
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.