Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’