Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
We need to put an American base on the sun
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.