Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.