Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.