Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
You Might Also Like
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
broke down and did it
