Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.