*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Covid like
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.