Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO