*grabs bag of lettuce*
Lettuce: Finally, she’s going to use me!
*picks up cupcake container that was under it, sets lettuce back down, and closes refrigerator door*
Lettuce: Jerk.
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.