Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.