Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

c’mon!

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?