@caliluvgirl77

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

You Might Also Like

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

@careworn

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

@MatCro

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

@SaltyCorpse

When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh