If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.
Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.