Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.